Terrified of freedom

Posted by Manuel on April 6th, 2012 - Follow me on Twitter and Google+

So, yeah… I quit my job. This is usually a good thing to write about to impress your readers. Except, I am not going to tell you it is awesome. My life as a solo entrepreneur has just begun, it’s too soon to draw any conclusion… So I won’t tell you to quit your job or escape your cubicle, because I never worked in a cubicle and anyway the cubicle is in your head. I actually had a lot of latitude in my job. A year ago, I had a nice corner office with a nice view. I worked a lot, the salary was good. And I decided to work part-time just to get, you know, more time. Now I just want to be independent, that is the main thing. And I feel I am more useful this way.

The company I was working for has been really supportive. I suppose being nice with them helped (in any kind of situation, having manners and being diplomatic is always right). So I did not say “fuck you” to everybody, I did not burn the bridges. I thought about it, I thought about turning the page and leaving the last ten years completely behind me, but this is not how I am. When you express what you want and how everybody can benefit from it, things get smoother. My ex-company’s branch in Montreal (and other branches in the world) are now my first clients. And I sincerely thank them for helping in the process of creating my own company.

Now, what is the plan? Basically I am a freelance developer/consultant. Some people ask me if I have written a business plan: the answer is no. I don’t have a plan… But I have work, enough work to live decently, enough work that I love doing and that still leaves me enough time to manage my life as I want to. Do I need investments? No… Do I need a loan? No… I actually don’t need anything. And no, I’m not planning on being the next Steve Jobs, thank you for asking. I want to keep this freelance thing small. I’m not interested in growing it until it becomes an uncontrollable stressful job. No… I want to keep this simple and enjoyable. That’s why I don’t have a business plan, I just have clients and work to do and that’s enough.

The counter part now: this freedom comes at a price. I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t really now what is ahead (this is part of the “not having a plan” plan). I mean I have projects for the next months and I ‘m confident I will keep having clients. No really, I’m not scared of not being able to work or losing my income… I’m kind of terrified of freedom. And that is something I was not expecting. Even if we were all mostly raised in free countries, with freedom promoted as a great value, we are still used to follow directions we are told to follow. As far as I can remember I was always able to ask someone “Now what?” and I always got a pretty simple, easy and safe answer. Go to college, study, find a job, find another job, pay your taxes… Now I am almost the only one who can answer the “Now what ?” question when it relates to what I want to work on. I could stay in bed all day or work like a maniac.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been responsible before, but I realize now it was always responsible in the boundaries of a structure I was not responsible for.  I was always on somebody else schedule. Ultimately, the company was answering the “now what ?” question and it was, in some ways, reassuring. Now I slowly begin to be comfortable with this uncertainty/responsibility/uncontrollable terror thing. It is not as bad as it seems. Or at least I thought I would be freaking out more than I actually am.

It’s in uncertainty that opportunities happen. It’s when we are actually being responsible than we are leading our lives. Will I succeed as an entrepreneur, I think yes… I would not do it if I knew I could not, I am not that stupid in challenging uncertainty (and I’m also a fairly optimistic guy). But what if I fail? I don’t know… Something positive would probably happen. I believe being honest and true to people saves the day whatever you do. That’s what I’m trying to do, even if I am kind of an asshole too.

I’m just talking about working but the “Now what?” question can be applied to any decision you make in your life. Your relationships, your health, the ideals you want to promote, etc… We are obviously very influenced in all these matters. What are the easy answers we are following? Are these really our decisions?

 

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  • http://mdrobertson.com Mark David Robertson

    Thanks for the confessional Manu. I’ve been ruminating on the “fear of freedom” for a while. I heard a kind of stupid quote from “Justified”: “remember I told you that when I was a kid I had a wart. Then they removed it, and I missed it.” I had athlete’s foot, and as much as I hated the “damned spot” I had nothing to fuss over and scratch when it was gone. We shape our identity around things that lose their value: jobs, relationships–even illnesses.

    Since I”ve also found two texts: The Courage to Be, by Paul Tillich, and “Escape from Freedom,” by Erich Fromm. This is pre-self-nourishment-lit-bullshit. “Take on life,” they say, “and it’s scary as hell.” And it is. But it’s better than a surrogate existence:

    Neither heavenly nor earthly, neither mortal nor immortal havewe created thee, so  that thou mightest be free according to thyown will and honor, to be thy own creator and builder. To thee alone we gave growth and development depending on thy own                                 free will. Thou bearest in thee the germs of a universal life.
    Giovanni Pico della Mirandola

    • http://www.inspacewetrust.com Manuel Loigeret

      Thank you Mark,
      I don’t know 1) how you are able to read so many books, 2) how you are able to deliver quotes for them… That’s a real mystery for me.
      Anyway… “Escape form freedom” is a revelatory title. I don’t know the text or anything… But I feel that indeed we want to escape from freedom. Because freedom is not comfortable. I maybe a little too political-ish, but I think that explains why so many nations have accepted dictatorship over the History. Like you say in America, Freedom is not free. I feel it is awkward when printed on a coffee mug or a t-shirt sold at the local state fair. But the idea is strong. It goes beyond printing or saying it. It’s not justifying wars, protectionism or whatever in the name of freedom. This for me is not freedom. It’s just accepting a system that sets you free.
      There is a quote from a drum’n'bass song I was listening to a lot when I was 20. It probably comes from somewhere else but I did not check. The quote goes by “If you have somebody to set you free, you’ll never be free”. This sums up my idea of freedom.

  • http://twitter.com/FrenchyCaroline Frenchy Caroline

    I think this is one of my favorite post you’ve written so far, I’m not sure how to explain properly but your words just breath honesty. So many people try to be what they aren’t, try to impress with such and such title, money, status..etc I recognize myself in what you’re saying about staying small, it’s exactly what I wish too. If my little shoe business works one day (fingers crossed!), I hope it will stay small, just earn enough money to live and be free. 

    I wish you the best in this new adventure Manu :)

    • http://www.inspacewetrust.com Manuel Loigeret

      I’m surprised so many people envision creating a business as something competing and dominating the market. I tried to have this mindset and it is simply too tiring. Marketing is important but doing the work is more important. That’s what I try to remember.
      Thank you as always for the comment Caroline!

  • http://www.fishingbuddha.com/ Amit Sonawane

    Manuel,

    This is a great essay. The subtle vulnerability makes it so beautifully personal and educational at the same time. I find myself in a similar situation. I congratulate you on taking charge of your future. Scary? I say scary is good when the your future is in your own hands than somebody else’s. Why work on somebody else’s dream, right?

    I do not know what kind of consulting you do, but I am an engineer and business grad. If there is anything I can ever help with then do let me know. Good luck and hopefully we’ll get to meet someday soon. Do you come to NYC often?

    Amit

    • http://www.inspacewetrust.com Manuel Loigeret

      Thanks for the comment Amit!
      So far I find myself dealing pretty good with my first contracts. But business tips would always be appreciated one day.
      I don’t go to NYC really often but I would like to go before the end of the year. Do you go there often or are you mostly staying in Daytona?

  • http://liferapture.com Benjamin Spall

    Really liked this Manu. I too didn’t burn my bridges with my former company (though in my case, going back would certainly be my last option). I wish you a lot of luck (and hard work) in these coming weeks and months. I’ve personally found the whole self-employed thing to be very hard, but I absolutely wouldn’t swap it for anything (and from what I’ve heard, it’s pretty normal for it to take a while for you to find your self employed groove).

    I’m actually in the middle of writing my own “what the hell have I been doing?” post for my blog as I’ve not updated it in almost a month! No doubt you’ll be able to relate. I hope you’re well mate, apologies about anything the Australian man did. He’s a terrible terrible person.

    • http://www.inspacewetrust.com Manuel Loigeret

      Yes I imagine being self-employed has it ups and downs. Right now, I have some work to do so I’m happy. I imagine I’ll go through more “what the hell am I doing” situations.
      Waiting to read your blog post… cheers

  • Maria Ortega

    Hi Manu,

    I understand what you feel so well. I had the same feeling when I started to be self-employed, I was scared to death of this new acquired freedom, but what I was most scared of was myself, I was scared of realizing I was too lazy or irresponsible to be self-employed… almost a year later I’m not scared anymore and I’m enjoying this freedom an uncertainty very much. 

    Good luck! :)

    • http://www.inspacewetrust.com Manuel Loigeret

      Yes freedom is scary. But I never met someone who was totally disappointed of being self-employed, even if it failed…
      Thank you for sharing. You really seem to make the most of this freedom now :)

  • Joseph Post

    It is scary. My last employer was a factory four years ago. When I quit, I didn’t have money. And I don’t right now either. Some months I get a nice check, and other months I would be screwed had I not gotten the nice check the previous month. 

    It makes me think of hunter-gatherers, how they work real hard when there’s abundance and rest when resources are low. It keeps me on my toes and forces me to be creative.  

    I look forward to hearing how you next chapter goes.

    • http://www.inspacewetrust.com Manuel Loigeret

      I love this Hunter-gatherers comparison. Yes It is exactly how I feel.

  • http://www.groundedtraveler.com Andrew

    Very good to read. My wife and I are just beginning the planning to do something similar and create a small company for ourselves. We though have to create the plan. Both for our own mental stability and for the german authorities to grant us the license. Im sure even with a plan we will find enough frightening freedom to satisfy. Good to read that it can work and all the best to you.

  • http://twitter.com/mitchellroth Mitchell Roth

    Think of it as the first time you rode a bike without training wheels. 

    Right now you’re on the ‘just hopped on and started to pedal’ phase, asking yourself “Goddamn, what am I doing??”

    Soon you’ll be comfortable, yelling “F*#% yeaaaahhh!!”

    Enjoyed the post.

  • http://roguepriest.net/ Drew Jacob

    Two weeks with no new Manu posts? You must be working hard. Can’t wait to talk next Monday.

  • http://evolutionyou.net Dena Botbyl

    Congratulations on this big step, Manu. I am really looking forward to hearing about how this journey unfolds.

  • Ophelia

    how is it going Manu?

    i pulled up roots and moved cross country and even with a relatively stable (if small) income, it’s been terrifying… i’m not even sure why.  it’s getting better though, slowly.  i think my initial leap was a little more than i could psychologically handle, but it felt and feels a hell of a lot better than being stuck following a life program i was handed by my family and my society as a kid, that i hated.  hitting 40 is a big eye opener.  i’m glad you are taking steps now to open  your horizons.  

    there was a graph someone showed me once called “the dark night of the innovator.”  basically at the beginning of the graph (the far left) there’s the point where you are just kind of in your normal rut.  And then there is the big “!” and you make a big change.  and for a few tick of the graph your mood and everything go up quite a bit.  Then, as the newness wears off, there’s this HUGE dip and that’s the “dark night” where you are slogging along going ‘should i have done this?  should i have made this change?  is it worth it?  it’s a lot harder than i thought it would be” etc. etc. and full of self-doubt.  and a lot of people quit during the dark night.  BUT… BUT BUT if you do NOT quit, eventually you come through that valley and gradually your mood and self-worth improve until you come to a spot that is not quite as high as that first peak, but higher than where you started.  

    i hope that description makes sense!  i was reminded of this recently and it really helped me, as it did when i originally saw the chart.  it proved true 20 years ago and i think it will prove true today as well.

    • http://www.inspacewetrust.com Manuel Loigeret

      Thank you Ophelia,
      This post I quite old now. I’m more comfortable with managing my business. Still some up and downs, still a lot of work ahead but I have a better vision of where I am going.